I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
