i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
