You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
