I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
