perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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