If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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