Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
