Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
