nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
