I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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