Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
