He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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