the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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