Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
