the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
