i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Drunk is not a location!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
