ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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