I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
