last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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