Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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