it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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