Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
