I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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