Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
as a side note pls kill me
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
