look no pants
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
