I think I won the penis lottery.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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