another moral hangover. fuck.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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