If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
