My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Someone shattered a urinal.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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