Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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