It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
