Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You are the jesus of drinking
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
