FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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