I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
