I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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