I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
