There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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