The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
