Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
someone owes me an orgasm
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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