I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
