Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
