Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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