Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
