Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
