Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
