So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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