doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
