your parents love me but you hate me
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
