you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
how drunk are you?
Several
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
