Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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