you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You made out with two different species that night
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
