I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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