i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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